How Not To Die (Again)
by MnemeMemory
Summary: Pre-Soul Society Arc. A comprehensive guide to the higher-ranks of the Gotei-13. "Being a Shinigami can be tough – trust us, we know. On top of the trauma that six years at the Academy can inflict, then there's the actual problem of the Gotei-13. That's why we're here to help..."
1. Chapter 1

**How Not to Die (Again): A Guide To Surviving Your Afterlife**

Being a Shinigami can be tough – trust us, we know. On top of the trauma that six years at the Academy can inflict, then there's the actual problem of the Gotei-13. That's why we're here to help you.

...

**Why Do You Need This Guide?**

_But I came top of my class_, I hear you say! Oh, you poor naive thing – this is the real world, now. Not the nice little bubble that was the Academy. There, things like grades and paperwork and competence in kido actually _matters_. Not so in the Seireitei: life skills, such as alcohol tolerance and scariness-factor, are much more important. A good glare can take you miles, no matter where you're assigned (unless it's Eleventh, in which case glares are just another method of saying _Punch me, punk_!).

The first week is always the worst, so without further ado: The Thirteen Steps to Surviving The Gotei-13 (or: A Guide To The Captains That Want To Kill You).

**...**

**Number** **One**: **Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto (Oh Dear God)**

Right, listen up: you won't see this guy. Trust us on this – unless you're over three hundred, we very much doubt that he's interested. Unless, of course, you're immeasurably powerful and able to do extraordinary feats of power…but we doubt it. If you were that talented, you wouldn't be reading this guide: you'd be on a fast-track program for promotion. You'd be too damn _tired_.

So, Captain-Commander Yamamoto – he's strict. He's scary. He's powerful.

If he so much as looks at you, considered yourself blessed beyond belief and cherish that memory, because we _very_ much doubt that it's going to happen again anytime soon.

**...**

**Number Two**: **Soi Feng Is Scarier Than You Are**

Sure, she's cute. Sure, she's small. (Side note: if you're still fooled by physical appearance after all those years at the Academy, just leave. Trust us, you're not going to last long if you always pick on the short people because _They Look Weaker_. They're not). Soi Feng is as danger as the rest of the Captains – more so, in some circumstances, because she _doesn't tolerate stupidity_. At all. Soi Feng is a practical, hard-working individual, who has the small problem of occasionally flying into maniacal rages of temper because her Vice-Captain is absolute shit at his job.

Don't ever talk to her alone. Ever. Even if she requests your presence individually (which, by the way, is never going to happen, but we're just covering all bases here), make sure that at least three separate, unrelated people know where you're going. This goes doubly if you've done something irritating during the past six months. Whilst she is good at her job, she isn't known for her restraint, and since she's the Captain of the Stealth Force, she knows where to hide the bodies without anyone ever finding them. It also means she doesn't even need to use her Zanpakutō to kill you. Be Careful Around Her.

Warning: never mention the name 'Yoruichi' around her if you want to live.

**...**

**Number Three: How Does One Describe** **Ichimaru Gin**?

If you run into Captain Ichimaru, run. Trust us on this – we don't care if he's wearing a smile (though if he _isn't_, use shunpo and run _faster_), as soon as you see even a _hint_ of silver hair, Get Out Of There. He is – no.

Just…don't, okay? Just don't.

**...**

**Number Four**: **Unohana Retsu** **Is Not As Nice As She Appears**

Yes, yes, Captain of the Fourth seems all nice and stuff, but here's the thing: she's not. Really. If you're expecting unrestricted sympathy for your terrible plight (be it broken arm from attempting to out-wrestle Ikkaku (_ha_!) or busted face from insulting Yumichika's sense of aesthetics), sure, go ahead. Any attempts to take advantage of her god nature will be met with a swift, painful end.

Don't get us wrong – Captain Unohana is a wonderful creature, whose beauty far-outweighs any potential negative aspects of her personality (and we're not just saying that because she scares the shit out of us), but there have been Disappearances, in the past. We just thought it would be fair to give you poor newbie a heads up.

Don't worry, though! For the most part, she's a lovely individual who can heal almost any wound!

**...**

**Number Five: Aizen Sosuke** **Is An All-Round Nice Bloke, And He'll Probably Be Smiling When He Kills You**

Now, now, we might just be paranoid, here. Captain Aizen is kind of a legend, around these parts; he's a Captain, and he's _sane_. Sort of. Look, here's the thing – Captains are insane. All of them. Power corrupts, and these guys (and girls, for the sake of political correctness and not wanting to be on the receiving-end of Soi Feng's Bankai or Unohana's Stare) have power coming out of their ears. But Aizen is…sane. _Suspiciously_ sane. Not a single Mysterious Disappearance, not one Sexual Harassment Lawsuit, not even a drinking habit. _Nothing_.

He does all the paperwork he has to, he doesn't complain about new recruits (which means that, as a rule, you newbies are safe with him), and smiles like he means it (not the creepy smile that Captain Ichimaru does, anyway). He's _nice_. If you're ever in trouble, he's probably one of the few Captains you can trust not to trow you under the bus.

We're waiting for the mental breakdown any day now, though. Fair warning.

**...**

**Number Six:** **Kuchiki Byakuya** **Is An Asshole With No Feelings (Who Can Get Away With Killing You)**

Captain Kuchiki comes from a long line of nobility. He is rich – _filthy. Rich. _Therefore, he is able to bribe his way out of any court hearings with practiced ease (not that we're insinuating anything, here; we can't afford the lawsuit). He has an unfortunate habit of taking offense to the smallest of things, which is why we advise that you Avoid Him At All Costs.

This is actually rather easy to do; because he takes his duties as a Captain so seriously, he's almost always holed up in his office with Vice-Captain Abarai Renji (make fun of his tattoos at your own risk), finishing off paperwork that no one else can be bothered to do. Looking at him from a distance is fine; after all, he _is_ rather fetching (we, as fellow Shinigami, sympathise with your taste in men), but any closer than that and his lack of personality will give you frostbite. It's actually rather impressive, when you aren't on the receiving end of his Blank Stare. That thing can make you question your entire identity and sense of self-worth (to date: three hospitalisations, seven desertions and nine screams of _Make it Stop_!).

Also, those sakura petals? _Not flowers_.

**...**

**Number Seven: The Mysterious Komamura Sajin – Masked Murder or Unseen Ally?**

Captain Komamura is actually one of the more mellow Captains out of the lot, so you're set with him. Yes, he's large, and yes, he has a rather odd habit of wearing that strange-shaped mask, but other than that we have found him to be quite reasonable. He will listen to complaints with strict fairness, has little tolerance for the usual bullshit craziness that goes on within the Gotei-13, and runs his Division like a well-oiled machine. There is very little that we have to warn you about, seeing as he's actually one of the more reasonable and fair Captains (coming a close second to captain Aizen).

Be warned, though; any attempt to look _under_ his mask, and you will be faced with his wrath. And when we say wrath, we mean _Holy Shit He's Going To Crush Me Like a Bug_ kind of wrath. Captain Komamura is large (we're not even kidding, this guy _towers_ over everyone), and he will not hesitate to use his scarily-large Zanpakutō to crush you with the flat side of his blade. Just don't get on his bad side, though, and you should be fine. Remember: be polite. You'll thank us for that advice later.

Also: we don't know why, but he doesn't seem to be much of a dog person. AVOID THIS TOPIC.

**...**

**Number Eight: Kyouraku Shunsui** **And His Massive Drinking Problem**

Right, for this one, we'll divide it into two sections: Male and Female

Male: as long as you can match the Captain drink for drink, you will earn his (and everyone else's) respect. You won't. Trust us on this – this guy has almost a thousand years up on your skinny ass, and he won't hesitate to remind you of it after twenty or so bottles of sake. So, if that plan fails (it will) be diligent, respectful and orderly, and you will earn Nanao Ise's respect. She's pretty much the drive behind her Division, and as such should be treated with an _insane_ amount of caution. Fair warning: if the Captain thinks that you're hitting on her, he'll probably kill you.

Females: right, okay, here's where it'll get tricky. You're going to have to walk the fine line between 'Being Friendly' and 'Filing for Sexual Harassment'. You'll want to make yourself scarce if he goes on another drinking rage (which happens with rather alarming frequency) or if Vice-Captain Ise is around. She doesn't take his antics well, and will probably report your ass just for being in the same proximity as her Captain (we have yet to find conclusive proof that she's actually attracted to him, but alas, the rumours never seem to die down).

So, summary: stay away from the sake, and you'll be fine.

**...**

**Number Nine: Kaname Tousen** **and the Path of Justice (Includes: Hour-Long Lecture and Bleeding Ears)**

Right, okay, this is a tough one. Captain Tousen is neither psychotic nor homicidal. He can be rather reasonable, actually, as long as things fall into line with his delicate sensibilities.

If they _don't_, he's batshit crazy.

Hey, don't throw stones at us! We're not just dissing him because he's a blind guy – have _you_ sat through his hour-long lectures about the importance of the Path of Justice? No? Didn't think so. He's very driven, powerful, and reasonable when things go his way. He runs his Division well, his Vice-Captain isn't a complete screw-up, and (unhappy tendency to lecture aside) he can actually possess a rather dry sort of wit.

Just…don't break the law in his vicinity. Ever. Okay?

**...**

**Number Ten: Toshiro Hitsugaya** **Is Smarter Than You (Also: Not A Kid)**

We're going to get one thing straight with you, right of the bat: Captain Hitsugaya is Not A Kid. He may look a little older than that cute twelve-year-old cousin you left outside the Seireitei, but he's not. Trust us, he's _really, really not_. Cannot stress that point enough. If you even _insinuate_ you think that he's short, you'll be at Fourth Division's doors faster than you can scream "I'm sorry!"

He's smart. Really, really smart – you know how you slaved away at that Academy for six years? Well, he finished it. In one. Take _that_, self-esteem! Trust us, ten minutes in Captain Hitsugaya's company and you're going to either be spitting mad or bawling like a baby (of course, this entirely depends on the mood that he's in. It's usually quite sour, thanks to his Vice-Captain Rangiku Matsumoto's lack of interest in paperwork).

List of topics to avoid: his age, his height, his name, his captaincy, his appearance, his Vice-Captain, paperwork, Momo Hinamori (just don't, okay? It's not worth it), candy, Captain Ukitake…okay, okay, the kid's got a short fuse.

(And no, we did not mean that last line to be taken ironically).

**...**

**Number Eleven:** **Run. Screaming.**

Now, this sort of depends on the sort of knucklehead you are (because no-one comes into the Senteirei without being _kind of_ insane). There's two major groups: _Hey, Punk, Wanna go?_ and _You look like a rather vexing person, I think I'll just ignore you and move on with my life_. Now, see, if you're the first type, so talk to transferring into Eleventh Division now, because you're not going to make it anywhere else. Also, you'll probably find it more your speed.

If you're the second? Doing anything antagonistic (i.e. talk to them, smile at them, meet their eyes, be in their presence) is going to end in broken bones. At best.

Zaraki Kenpachi is on the level of _Holy Shit He's Looking At Me Run-Run-Run_, and his Vice-Captain is even _scarier_, if that's possible. Kenpachi is terrifying, sure, but Yachiru _smiles_ at you. Not that Kenpachi doesn't, but…never mind.

**Avoid Eleventh At All Costs.**

**...**

**Number Twelve: Mayuri Kurotsuchi** **Is Not To Be Trusted (Under ANY Circumstances)**

Um. Right. Here we go:

If Captain Kurotsuchi asks you go come over to Twelfth Division, _Say No_.

If someone attempts to follow through with the aforementioned order, _Stop Them_.

Any/all things that have been within a three-metre radius (or a ten-minute exposure) of Captain Kurotsuchi are to be treated as BIOHAZARD and disposed of with the proper procedures (see Nemu Kurotsuchi for further details – do _not_ try to hit on her). This can include (but is not limited to); small animals, large animals, friends, family, enemies, strangers, humans, Shinigami, furniture, swords, floorboards (though we recommend just scrubbing them down with strong alcohol, since ripping these up takes a lot of work and costs a lot of money), plants, any vegetation of any kind, any technology of any kind, photo frames, food (oh, god, _stay away from the food_), etc. etc.

We advise you to treat Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi with the same amount of care and caution you would afford to ravenous, slavering beats that want to rip out your spine _for fun_ (e.g. Arrancar, Menos, Kenpachi)

**...**

**Number Thirteen: Juushirou Ukitake, Candy-Crazed Huggable Invalid (Who Is Still Somehow Terrifying)**

Captain Ukitake is one of the most beloved Captains in the Gotei-13 (not the least because he's really, really nice, but also because the rest are kind of creepy). He treats his subordinates well, he does his paperwork when asked to (when he's not coughing up blood, but he's just so _nice_ that we're ready to forgive him from pretty much anything, from multiple manslaughter to animal cruelty). He has a strong sense of morals, and won't hesitate to call someone out when he thinks that they've got it wrong.

He is one of the best people in the afterlife to have on your side. There is not _one person_ in the entirety of the Gotei-13 that has a bad thing to say about this guy (except for Kenpachi, but he doesn't really count, since he's barely human anyway). Normally, this lack of a sordid past would make us nervous (exhibit Aizen), but with Captain Ukitake we haven't found a single record of bad things happening to people who don't like him. We, professionally, doubt that such people actually exist.

So: make nice to Captain Ukitake, because if you don't we'll probably have to kill you.

**...**

And that, my beloved newbies, brings an end to **How Not To Die (Again)**:** A Guide to Surviving Your Afterlife. **As long as you follow our practical advice, and keep in mind all our warnings about the individual Captains, you should live through your first week! After that – well, that's up to you!

Good luck, fellow Shinigami! You have a three in five chance of surviving! We'll see you on the other side!

Happy Hollow Hunting!

…

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach!

**A/N**: um, hi. That was just a bit of craziness brought about by lack of sleep and procrastination on homework. Only took, like, three hours to write, which is pretty okay for me. I'm new to the Bleach fandom, and I've only watched the anime up to the Zanpakutō Rebellion filler, so, um, I'm not actually up to date. Sorry!

There's probably a tonne of stuff like this out there (grins weakly) but I don't really read much Bleach stuff, so I wouldn't really know. I doubt this is a terribly original idea, though.

Anyway, hope this was at least a little bit funny! Reviews are always appreciated!

MM


	2. Chapter 2

**How Not to Die (Again): A Guide To Surviving Your Afterlife (Vice-Captain Edition)**

Being a Shinigami can be tough – trust us, we know. On top of the trauma that six years at the Academy can inflict, then there's the actual problem of the Gotei-13. That's why we're here to help you.

…

**We're Back!**

We have returned, by popular demand, to give you, relevant and IMPORTANT information in surviving your first few weeks in the Gotei-13! As you don't get to see the actual Captains that much (lucky ducks), there was the idea that maybe Vice-Captains were more your speed, and – thus! This comprehensive Guide to the Vice-Captains of the Gotei-13 was born! In here, you will be told the ins-and-outs of how to address each individual Vice-Captain, which ones you can run to when you're in trouble, and which ones you should avoid at _all costs_ (there are more of them than you'd think).

Remember: Vice-Captains are only second in strength to actual Captains, so try to Keep On Their Good Side, or you might just…well…there have been _accidents_, in the past. Mysterious, unexplained and – often – unregistered accidents that have left bodies. These people don't come under as much _scrutiny_ as their higher-ranked members of the Gotei-13, and therefore can Get Away With A Lot More.

As such, in order to _stop_ you newbies from getting on their bad side, we introduce: The Thirteen Steps to Surviving The Gotei-13 (or: A Guide To The Vice-Captains That Want To Kill You).

…

**Number One: Sasakibe Chojiro Is An Unknown Entity that We Suggest You Avoid **

There isn't really much to say about Vice-Captain Sasakibe, other than he's reliable and good with paperwork. Like, _really_ good with paperwork. _Serial Killer_ good. There's never a mark out of place, a sheet half-done, or ink splotches in the corners: it is all filled out with psychopathic precision.

Not that we're insinuating anything, of course – oh, no, don't even _think_ about it. Vice-Captain Sasakibe has been around longer than…anyone…which means that he knows pretty much everything that's going on. Here are some rules we suggest you follow:

If you see him: Bow.

If he sees you: Bow. Really, really low.

If he wants to talk to you (ha!): Continue to scrape your tongue on the floor, because he's kind of terrifying and older than most of Soul Society, so if he even _thinks_ you're slacking off, you're done for. At best, you can expect a long, _painful_ lecture. At worst, no one's ever going to see you again.

In short, address him with the respect he deserves.

Also, don't mess around with his tea. Just don't.

…

**Number Two: Marechiyo Omaeda Is Faster Than He Looks (no, really)**

Right, in case you don't know who Vice-Captain Omaeda is: he's the fat one. Who eats a lot. And usually sports bruises in all kinds of interesting places, courtesy of his temperamental Captain. Take it from us: this guy is an absolute pig, who doesn't know the meaning of 'courage'. He'll run in the opposite direction of danger, first chance he gets (unless his Captain is mocking him).

He's _stinking rich_.

Emphasis on the _stinking_.

How do you think he got _into_ the position, anyway? It wasn't based _purely_ on talent (and boy, are we glad this is an anonymous publication, or we'd be in for a law-suit bigger than Second Squad's bathhouse – which, by the way, is _way_ nicer than the public ones available to all members of the Gote-13. Yeah, sure, Squad Two has to deal with a psycho for a Captain and a slob for a Vice-Captain, but they get to do it in _style_), though – loathe as we are to admit it – he does possess some. Not that he, y'know, likes to admit it. He'd rather be off eating somewhere.

…

**Number Three: Kira Izuru, Angst Extraordinaire And All-Round Sweetheart (except when he isn't)**

We love Vice-Captain Izuru. Really. Not only is he the voice of sanity to an otherwise psycho Captain (quick side note: we want to once again reiterate the need to _run screaming_ should one see Captain Ichimaru), but he's good at his job. While he can be a bit of a downer, he's adorable enough to get away with it.

On that note: WARNING.

Vice-Captain Izuru has had to deal with prolonged exposure to Captain Ichimaru. He's not exactly _stable_. While we can't really fault him for that (say it with us, guys: Captain Ichimaru = run screaming. We are going to _beat_ that into your thick skulls, until it manages to stick), it also means that talking to him is often an exercise in walking on eggshells.

Plus, he'll give you these _looks_. These awful, terrible looks that make you question everything about yourself, and about your life-choices, and _oh, for the love of all that's holy, why would you choose to go into the Gotei-13? Why_? Soul Society is such a cruel place, his eyes say, how could you willingly subjugate yourself to such cruel and unusual punishment, as to work with any of the Squads?

Not, _ahem_, that such a thing has ever happened to us. No. Not at all.

(Seriously, though, don't look the poor guy directly in the eye. It kind of freaks him out).

…

**Number Four: Isane Kotetsu is Protected by Unohana-taicho – Fair Warning **

Now, a lot of people take one look at Vice-Captain Kotetsu and think: easy mark.

Let us remind you why she's not:

She's protected by Captain Unohana

She's protected by Captain Unohana

She's protected by Captain Unohana

She's protected by Captain Unohana

And (because we think we're _pounded_ that little titbit of information into your brains enough):

She's got enough kido skill to put you in Fourth Squad with a nasty bout of ditherer (and then _refuse to treat you_)

Don't get us wrong – Vice-Captain Kotetsu is an amazingly hard worker, who's honestly earned her position in the Gotei-13. She also possesses the _weirdest_ phobias (note: DO NOT MENTION FISH-CAKES AROUND HER) and pretty much anything but porridge in the dining hall is going to set her off. When that happens, _leave immediately_, because if it even looks like it was deliberate…

Well, let's just say Captain Unohana won't be very happy.

…

**Number Five: Momo Hinamori Is the Sweetest Thing Ever (Don't Insult Her Captain Within Hearing Range)**

Vice-Captain Hinamori is diligent, resourceful, good at paperwork and one of the most competent Vice-Captains in the Gotei-13. She's not the most powerful, but she _is_ one of the most logical, and always quick to help out anyone with a friendly smile. She was promoted almost entirely based on her _kido_ results, so if you ever need an expert opinion, she's the go-to gal for all things demon-magic related.

Don't insult her Captain.

Look, she's sweet. She's great. We love her – we _do_. She also goes berserk if she thinks someone is _hinting_ that there's something wrong with Captain Aizen. To date: seventeen people hospitalised, thirteen in need of therapy and nine have formally withdrawn* from the Gotei-13. If you hear the words "_Snap, Tobiume!_", then you're pretty much screwed. Nice seeing you. Bye-bye.

We're exaggerating (probably), but you should just be a little cautious when bringing up the subject of Captain Aizen, okay?

…

**Number Six: Renji Abarai Has Serious Issues **

Right. Okay. Vice-Captain Abarai is…

Well.

He's good at his job, for the most part. Paperwork is generally filled out on time (if not by him, than by his frost-bite inducing Captain), and he's easy to talk to. He came from the outer reaches of Soul Society, folks, so don't be shy to say 'hi' if you see him walking around. He might not be the most intelligent, but he's _crazy_ strong, and we're all expecting big things from him.

He has a bit of a hang up about Captain Kuchiki.

Now, don't let that turn you off him. He's a real sweetheart – when he's, y'know, not yelling at people for not getting enough work done (read: not getting _his_ work done), mopping up after Captain Kuchiki's latest law suit (he gets more of those than you'd think – none of which actually ever get into, y'know, a court). He's brash, and he's rude, but he's funny, too, and nice enough.

Here's the scary thing: he's probably one of the most stable Vice-Captains out there.

No, wait, we're serious. Disregard the pineapple hair and the crazy-ass tattoos for a second. Ignore the fact that he usually has the table-manners of a baboon, and that his sword is all kinds of strange and messed up (side note: don't spar with him. Just don't, okay? Not that we expect you to be anywhere near his level, of course – just, if he invites you, he's probably looking for a demonstration partner. Or a test dummy). In comparison to most of the Vice-Captains of the Gotei-13, Vice-Captain Abarai is actually (and we can't believe we're saying this) _relatively sane_.

Which means that you'd best go to him, if you're in trouble.

Just don't, y'know, try to kill Captain Kuchiki or anything. We think he wants to do that, first (and after all the shit he's had to put up with over the years, he's probably earned that right, too).

…

**Number Seven: Tetsuzaemon Iba Is Really, Really Cool (SUNGLASSES!)**

This guy is awesome.

Now, compared to some of the more…flashy Vice-Captains (*cough*Abarai*cough*), he seems almost ordinary. It takes a while to realise that, as always with the Vice-Captains, He's Really, Really Not.

Firstly, Vice-Captain Iba's paperwork sucks. Now, that's not generally a sign of an insane mind – to be fair, _most_ of the paperwork, regardless of where it comes from, is really, really bad. It's the minority who's working their asses off trying to compensate for pretty much everyone else (we're part of that minority, honest!).

Also, another reason as to why he's not sane:

HE. WAS. IN. ELEVENTH.

He was _Ikkaku Madarame's superior officer _(more on this psycho later).

If that doesn't scream: CRAZY, than we don't know what else to tell you.

Also, he wears sunglasses. _Indoors_.

…

**Number Eight: Nanao Ise is Hardworking, Diligent, and Can Concuss You With a Book at Ten Paces (in a blindfold)**

This is a hard one, simply because she's so competent. She doesn't take bullshit or stupidity well, which is why we're a bit surprised that Captain Kyoraku has managed to survive this long without being smothered in his sleep. Granted, that probably wouldn't even phase someone on his power level, but that's not the point. She takes notes when asked, carries out orders to the letter of the law, and has a violent mean streak that means she can survive an overly-extended period in Captain Kyoraku's presence (which, let us tell you, isn't always fun and sake).

Don't hit on her.

If _she_ doesn't put you in the Fourth, than she's either amused or interested. The first one is a good thing, because it means you'll get off almost scott-free: never do it again, and you might even live the full life-span expected of a Shinigami (which, after you manage to last the first few months, _dramatically_ increases).

If she's interested, you're dead.

Captain Kyoraku is…old. In a healthy, sexy, totally robust way, of course (we're blunt, not suicidal), but he's still lived one hell of a lot longer than you have. He is also _possessive_, if you get out meaning.

You do? Good.

In conclusion: Vice-Captain Ise – Organised, Intelligent and Out Of Your League.

…

**Number Nine: Shuuhei Hisagi Is A Serial Killer In the Making (we have **_**evidence**_**)**

No, wait, don't wright us off just yet. Vice-Captain Hisagi is one of the best multi-taskers in the Gotei-13 (case of point: he manages to get _most_ of his paperwork done on time, we well as editing for the _Seireitei Communication Magazine_ and going on _missions_). He's really nice, too, if you manage to talk to him, if a bit harried because of all the responsibilities that he's forcing onto himself.

He also has a _freaky-ass Zanpakutō_.

Now, now, we hear you say: so what? _Lots_ of people have scary Zanpakutō – that doesn't mean that they're the Serial Killers of Tomorrow. Oh, you poor, naive things – think about it this way. Zanpakutō are the reflection of people's souls. _Vice-Captain Hisagi_ _has twin reaper scythes._

He has publically claimed that he finds said blades loathsome to look at. Watch out, newbie, otherwise you might be next on his Hit List.

Okay, okay, so we're kidding. He's not a complete psycho. He's a real sweetie, honest. (Now, why don't you just scuttle over to Ninth and tell him that to his face, hmm?)

…

**Number Ten: Rangiku Matsumoto Is Pretty (Terrifying)**

You'll look at Vice-Captain Matsumoto and think: pretty.

After a few weeks in her presence, you'll look at her and think: _Terrifying_.

Vice-Captain Matsumoto is one of the coolest, most laid-back people in the Gotei-13 (Captain Kyroruku aside, of course). She likes drinking, she likes partying, and she usually dumps pretty much all her paperwork on either a) some poor unlucky moron who's too interested in her neckline to actually think about what she's saying (a.k.a. you) or b) her Captain. This will usually lead to frequent bouts of hypothermia in the Tenth barracks and, more often than not, the destruction of property.

We have no sympathy whatsoever.

Don't worry, we've all been there. She's so _friendly_, at first – look at poor Vice-Captain Hisagi. She's been running him ragged since Day One. Yes, she's really friendly. Yes, she's fun to be around.

No, she won't hold back when you're sparring, because she's a Vice-Captain and she gets a lot of sadistic joy in knocking people down. Remember that next time she asks you for drinks – or, alternatively, when she asks you to fill in this report, _pretty please_, I've just been so _busy_…

If you see her running away from something, _get out of the way_. Odds are it's going to be Captain Hitsugaya, and he Doesn't Care About Collateral.

…

**Number Eleven: Yachiru Kusajishi – RUN! (Guest Starring: Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa)**

**WARNING:** Anyone in Eleventh is to be treated with biohazard-level precaution, preferably with backup at LEAST fifth-seat or above.

That's for the rookies.

Eleventh has a penchant for breaking things. Glass, walls, teeth, bones – you name it, they've probably had it splinted beneath their knuckles. They're a bunch of rowdy psychos with little to no empathy and a fanatical devotion to their _freaky-ass_ Captain. They'll take anyone who falls in line with their ideologies (namely: FIGHT AND DIE LAUGHING), and when we mean anyone, we mean _anyone_.

Vice-Captain Kusajishi is a pink-haired _child_ who kicks the shit out of anyone but her Captain and _smiles_ (oh, that _smile_…). She is Dangerous. She is Not Cute. She is Not To be Touched. Here's a list of simple instructions we recommend you poor new recruits follow to the _letter_:

If You See Her, Run The Other Way

If You Know Someone On Her List (you'll know _when_ that happens – the screaming usually helps) Avoid Them

If She Comes Up To You, Give her _Candy_ and Back Away

If you Don't Have Candy, You're Screwed (bye-bye)

Are we overreacting? HELL NO.

Now, for our special mentions: Third-Seat Madarame and Fifth-Seat Ayasegawa

But we're learning about _vice-captains_, we hear you protest. We don't need to know about _these_ losers! And what happened to _fourth_ seat, while we're on the subject?

Excuse us while we laugh.

Eleventh has a screwed-up system of power, in that we're pretty sure at least one of these guys is Captain-class. Do they show any intention of trying for a Squad? _No, _and we're forever grateful for that fact. Don't underestimate these guys based on their ranks, and for the _Love_ of _Everything Holy_, don't insult Fifth-Seat Ayasegawa's _hair_! He's pretty much the brains of Eleventh (emphasis on the 'pretty'), but that doesn't make him a weakling. He will Destroy All Your Internal Organs with a single glare, we are _not kidding_.

In conclusion: **Avoid Eleventh**.

…

**Number Twelve: Nemu Kurotsuchi Is Gorgeous, Talented, and Has the Scariest Father EVER**

Vice-Captain Kurotsuchi is Captain Mayuri Kurostuchi's daughter.

Just putting it out there in case one of you little twerps gets any…ideas. If you haven't heard of Captain Kurostuchi, we suggest you refer back to the earlier chapter on his…attributes. Yeah, attributes. That's what we'll call them.

Moving on.

Vice-Captain Kurostuchi is competent to a fanatical precision, but also has an unfortunate tendency towards misplacing certain pieces of paperwork and/or documentation that links into her father's experiments. She's fanatically loyal to him, despite how he treats her (and, boy, he does _not_ treat her well), and will give you a _smile_ anytime someone asks her why she sticks around (we've got bets on mind control).

Seriously, though, don't hit on her. Just don't.

It really, _really_ isn't worth the pain.

..

**Number Thirteen: …er…**

Um. Right.

Here's the thing: currently, Thirteenth doesn't actually have a y'know, Vice-Captain. The last one…sort of…died.

But, hey, that happens, right? It's one of the risks of being in the Gotei-13!

…

Well! This brings us to the end of another chapter in **How Not To Die (Again): A Guide to Surviving Your Afterlife**_**.**_ Hopefully, by following our practical (and _free_ – remember, kids, this guide is _free_!) advice, you should live through your first few months as members of the Gotei-13. After that – well, that's up to you!

Good luck, fellow Shinigami! You have a three in five chance of surviving! We'll see you on the other side!

Happy Hollow Hunting!

….

….

*or, you know, not. Welcome to the Maggot's Nest, my pretties…. *evil laughter*

**A/N**: *grins* I went a bit overboard on Eleventh… :) They're just so much fun to mock… Anyway, I hope this is enjoyable. Thank you very much to: **Krazyfanfiction1**, **Schmoes**, **Meow**.**IamTHEcat** and **poodlecake85 **(who gave me the idea for doing Vice-Captains) for reviewing. Hope this was funny! More Sorting Hat stuff coming later!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach in any way, shape or form.

(Also, apologies for mistakes. I wrote this coming off a sugar-rush).

See ya!

MM


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